All Things Footie

Monday, August 23, 2004

Dyer: Beaten with the stupid stick

In an era where overpaid, pampered athletes develop a profound sense of entitlement upon receiving their first bloated paycheck, it was somehow comforting to watch the dual-act farce involving the Champion of Prat at the Riverside last weekend, and his home St. James’ Park last night. The comfort arose from the certain realization that the debate over the most arrogant, clueless, and spoiled-beyond-belief Premiership footballer was wrapped up by the actions and attitude of Kieron Dyer.

During the build-up to the match against Boro, Dyer allegedly had a training ground row with Sir Bobby Robson in which he refused to play on the right side of midfield for Newcastle. Apparently, since Paul Scholes chose to retire from international football, Dyer believes that he is the rightful heir apparent to the position behind the strikers with England, a view strengthened by the player’s “advisors,” sorry, “sources close to the player,” who released statements to the effect that playing wide right for Newcastle would hurt their meal ticket’s chances with the National Team.

Silly Sir Bobby, of course the purpose of your position as Newcastle Manager is to turn egotistical, under-performing, hypochondriacs into competent attacking midfielders for the national side. Never mind doing what is best for a club with a roster including Butt, Bowyer, and Jenas, central midfielders all; decisions must be made to accommodate the King of Bling. How ironic that Dyer lined up on the left side of midfield for the international against the Ukraine after refusing to play wide right for his club.

Does this mean that Dyer will be a selective wide boy from now on?

From the drunken sexcapades in Cyprus to the complete inability to drive a car and shady association with last season’s strange Grosvenor Hotel incident, Dyer has consistently and reliably demonstrated the complete lack of the most basic common sense and responsibility towards club and career. Recent events show that Dyer has decided that his off-pitch stupidities have not been sufficient to preserve his image as the Premiership’s Thickest Footballer, so he has added a series of training ground incidents and match day idiocies to his budding repertoire.

During the match against Boro, after clearly demonstrating his indifference to participation as a substitute by disinterestedly ignoring Robson’s instructions to him while waiting to be sent on, Dyer passed the captain’s armband, handed to him by departing club icon Alan Shearer, immediately to Jenas, as if he couldn’t be bothered with assuming the duty of leading the team on the pitch. Then, in the crowning moment of footballing incompetence, Dyer stumbled and fell to the turf like a schoolboy to allow Zenden time to autograph the ball before sending over the cross which Hasselbaink duly dispatched to earn Boro a draw against bitter rivals Newcastle.

Cue outraged, hysterical Geordie abuse. Didn’t see that one coming, Kieron? Your advisors wouldn’t happen to work for the FA, would they?

Never one to quit while behind, Dyer added plenty more fuel to the fire during his subsequent England appearance, fortuitously scheduled to be played at the player’s home stadium of St. James’. Sent on as a second-half sub, Dyer became, according to the tabloid hacks who glory in such assertions, “the first player to be booed by his own supporters while playing for England.”

With local patrons forking out £40 for a ticket, it is a safe assumption that the barracking of Dyer represents the opinion of more than a fare share of the Geordie faithful. The harsh reception was so vociferous and sustained that after the match, our hero, Kieron the Zero, had to be smuggled out a side door of the stadium to avoid the crowds of supporters who had undoubtedly waited for the chance to express their distaste for All Things Kieron up close and personal. Perhaps recent events have led to the Geordie faithful question their subsidizing of a reported £3 mil in annual wages for the Talented Mr. Dire.

I’m sure the player can’t imagine why…

The denouement of the recent masterful vocational decision-making by Dyer is the hilarious listing of the player for sale on eBay UK.

“FOR SALE: Little Waster…No Longer Wanted”

One wonders if that message will be lost on the deeply intellectual Dyer and his coterie of razor-sharp advisors.

A proposed loan move to Birmingham promises the inevitable escape while refusing to accept responsibility for any of his pathetic actions, a move the player will undoubtedly seize upon while making himself appear to be the victim of a campaign of unmerited criticism and abuse.

The Newcastle supporters will surely be more than happy to arrange any amount of affront necessary to see the Premiership’s Emperor of Dim Dyer exit the St James’ Park stage.

A Bill Urban Production.

Back To Home Page :: Back To Rants Index

XHTML, CSS, powered by blogger, copyright © 2001—2002 jordan harper


XML feed

blog hosting